We have this unrealistic expectation that all we need is love. What a childish approach to something so unfathomably incomprehensible. We are brainwashed by romcoms and love songs that we use as a guide which in plain sight is a setup for disappointment. This popular culture is created pure for entertainment purposes only. Love doesn’t sweep us off our feet in the first five minutes of meeting each other. Not feeling this way about someone leaves us feeling distraught, as though something is wrong with our connection. Because it clashes with the image in our heads about love and the expectation we have created. As a culture we’re idolizing love without being aware of it, we have a notion of what love should be instead of the infinite possibilities love can mean for you. When we meet someone, we go in prejudged with a head full of Hollywood crap. When the real person standing in front of us doesn’t match up to the ideal, we get disappointed.

How about real life? How about the fundamentals like commitment and respecting one and other? Relationships are a work in progress and love is a learned skill. A skill most of don’t possess. We don’t meet ‘the one’, feel butterflies every time we lock eyes and live happily ever after. What a ridiculous thought process we have grown accustomed to. 

In reality is more likely that boy meets girl, they go on a couple dates. Then they feel their insecurities showing their ugly heads, old wounds opening up and habits taking the lead. We treat people based on our previous experiences and our fear of getting hurt. All the while we are hurting our self by holding on to the memories that cut us in the past. So when the new person in our life also doesn’t match our Disney fantasy we throw in the towel, we let our insecurities take the wheel and give them an open road to roam around.

We are cowards of our own making. Instead of giving yourself a chance to grow and learn, you just repeat what you know. Even though this pattern is not working for you, it has never worked for you, but you think that your defense mechanism is protecting you. You’re its prisoner holding the keys to your cell tightly in your hands.

You are your own savior, don’t expect the new person in your life to correct the wrongs done to you by others, that’s not up to them, you can choose to be happy, you can choose the person you want to be with, you can choose to let go of old habits that are blocking your new relationships from blossoming. It’s always going to have to be you that is willing to push yourself to do better.

You want your relationship to evolve? Then stop thinking it has to fit a certain picture, that they owe you something, that they have to fix you. You fix you, let go of the people who cut you, let go of the fear of getting hurt, let go of habits that are in your way, stop using them as a fort, stop testing people if they can breach your walls of solitude. Open the door for them instead and welcome them in. If they’re meant to stay give them keys. If not, say goodbye, so you have room for your next guests.

If you want to be in a healthy relationship then you have to understand that you need more than love and passion to make it work. You can fall in love with the most diverse line of people, they can be good for, they can be bad for you, they can suck the life out of you, they can offer you the world, they can make you evolve, they can make you question your ways, they can make your insecure, they can make you feel like you’re on top of the world. The base of all of them is love, you’re with this person because you love them and they love you. That is the least unique part of a relationship. The part that makes it special is how they treat you. Do they show up for you? do they respect you? Do they give you the space you need to grow? Do they challenge you in life? Are they adding to or taking away from your happiness?

Love is amazing, we are all aware of this, it can give us extraordinary strength, it can make us feel like we’re on top of the world and floating beyond. But once the actions of the person we love doesn’t align with ours it can crash and burn us. Love on its own is never going to be enough without intention and the commitment to back it up. Like anything else you want to achieve in life, you have to work for it and work hard. People back up when they hear the words hard work, especially when its relationship related. Because our mind is full of crap that love should come to us without struggle.

Think of it this way; if you would want to be a pilot, think of all the studying you’d have to do, getting your degree, the amount of flight experience you’d have to acquire, obtaining your license, gaining professional experience, investing years of your life in training so you can become the best in what you do.  You’d do all of this because you have chosen to be a pilot. Why wouldn’t put the same kind of energy into the partner you have chosen to be with?