We need love to feel alive, is like oxygen for our souls. We need to feel loved by our family and friends, we need to feel love for ourselves and the things we do. It’s the thing that fuels us. Drives us forward. Keeps us on our toes.

But what is love? is it the warm tingly feeling you get when you fall in love, is it the unconditional love you get from your mom no matter how often you screw up? Is it your dog greeting you enthusiastically at the door?

As kids we love by default, as we get older we learn to love conditionally, we love according to certain circumstances and how that circumstance benefits us. Are you popular enough and does your social status match mine or can up mine then we can be friends. Do your parent have a pool and you can take a friend with you on your vacay to south of France then we can be friends. Are you down in the gutter and going through addiction problems, then we’re done for now, got my own things to worry about. These relationships are based on circumstances, not actual love, we are benefitting from someone and what that person has to offer.

Love, the rare kind of love comes from a pure place where there is room to evolve together, away from each other. Unconditional love doesn’t care if you have money or not, it doesn’t care about if you speak to each other every day or not, it doesn’t care about how your circumstances have changed.

I consider myself the luckiest person alive for the people that are in my life. Some of my friends I’ve known since high school, they were in the awkward teen years, they were there for all the laughter shared, they were there for all the tears shed, I want to celebrate my ups with them and when I’m down below zero is their hands reaching down to pull me up again. Their words of wisdom and love that cheer me up. No matter what happens and what I do, where I live, the stupid decisions I make, the amount of inappropriate jokes I make, they are there. And that my friend is what unconditional love is. We don’t need anything from each other, we are not benefitting from each other. We are there for each other for the good and the bad. We support it each other without judgement. This gives me peace. It gives me that warm tingly feeling inside and puts a dorky smile on my face each time I think about them.

And then there is my family whom I love more than anything, but also with whom I’ve had the biggest struggles. They’ve always had different ideas about how I should live my life and what was the ‘right’ way to do it. This nearly drove me insane and for a long time I was afraid that they wouldn’t love me if I chose a different path, if I was honest about the things I wanted and needed in order to be happy. At some point their love felt conditional; we will only love you if you live according to our standards. This was undoubtedly only in my head. I felt like a had to put up a brave face even though when things were tough, never show if I was hurting. They had their wishes like every parent does for their child, they want you to succeed in life and when you choose a path unknown to them it scares the shit out of them. When I wanted to study fine arts they were supportive but never the less anxious about my future. Because of their fears I felt like I had to prove myself over and over again that I could take care of myself despite that I didn’t choose to become a surgeon.

This strangely gave me a drive, not to convince them, but myself that you don’t need to fit a certain box to be happy or loved. You’re enough the way you’re. The things that you choose to do with your life shouldn’t be a part of whether you’re worthy be loved.

Of course, we have the romantic love. The most unattainable of them all. Oh how much we expect of this one. We put so much pressure on ourselves and partners for this part. He/she has to check all the boxes. What an unrealistic approach to anything in life. You are making something so innocent into a mathematical equation. This person should anticipate your every desire, they have to be there any time you need them, they have to be a mind reader, take care of you emotionally and support you financially, get along with your family, feed your goldfish homemade fish granola, sing to your plants every other day at sunset, give you foot rubs because you used your feet for walking today, oh yah they also have to make you laugh because they’re your private stand up, most importantly they have to be able to communicate about their everything they’re feeling at any giving minute and gossip about your work colleagues. Yes this is a bit ridiculously put to make a point. But these are all conditions we put on love, if these conditions are not met I can not love you. If you don’t take out the trash my love fades. If you don’t pick up your dirty socks you’ll sleep on the coach. This is all conditional, based on how you benefit from another person. Unconditional love is respecting one and other, each other’s space and individuality, support each other throughout, accepting that both of you fart and have bad breath in the morning.

Of course you can have you list of preferences, we are humans after all, but don’t let your love for someone depend on that list. Love without judgement and give it freely without expecting something in return. Sometimes you’ll get it back tenfold, sometimes you don’t. That’s the beautiful, scary and exciting thing about love.